5/16: A Late Night Muse or An Early Morning Thought

Tonight I can not sleep. I went to bed, put on a movie that I can fall asleep to, and just lied there. Sleep was not coming to me, so I decided to go in the living room and watch some television to make me a bit more sleepy. I surfed the channels again and again. I didn’t come across anything particular. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon was on one station. Dane Cook on another. But then I found a movie that I haven’t seen in a long time on. I started watching it. It was Save the Last Dance. It was at least a third of the way in because it was at the part where Julia Stiles character was having a breakdown at the theatre where the hot guy took her to see the ballet. Then it came to the scene where they share their first kiss on her front stoop, and that was when I broke.

Everything that has been building up inside of me for the past couple of months came bursting out of me in the form of a hysterical sob. This could be because right now my hormones are a mess and I cry at almost anything, but then I got to thinking, this is not because of me being a woman. This is because I am a pheonix who is dying.

My family says because of a few mistakes that I have made that I am young and we make these mistakes. “You may think the world is coming to an end, but it’s not,” they repeat over and over again. I think there is some truth in that. I think that the world comes to an end several times in everyone’s life. Once when you discover that your childhood has come to an end. Another when you have your heart broken for the first time. Then another when you make the first huge mistake in your life. And another when you experience your first loss. Then when your world truly comes to an end in the form of death.

So with my hysterical sob in reaction to the kiss of Julia Stiles and the hot guy, his name escapes me at the moment so he will be reffered to as the hot guy, I begin to think that right now my world is ending.

While thinking “Man I have really screwed up my life how am I ever going to fix this,” another thought popped into my head. More of a passage from a reasonably well-known book that happens to be the one I quote the most. No it’s not Twilight as some of you might think, it’s John Green’s Looking For Alaska. I thought of the paper that the main character Pudge (a.k.a. Miles) wrote for his religion class on the subject of Alaska’s death. It’s my favorite passage out of any book, and believe me I have read many books of many different genres written at very different times, but this one stands out the most. Maybe it’s because I secretly monolouge it when no one is at home or maybe because John Green’s words through the eyes of Pudge have truth and make me feel like there is hope for all of us.

If you have read the novel you may not get that out of that last part of the book but I do. It gives me hope to trudge on through the day, and in essence makes me ask myself when I get in these silly depressing stupors: What would Pudge do?

I’m sorry dear internet void if this blog seems confusing, but I am a girl who is rising from the ashes once more and is conveing her thoughts through a modern way. And like Pudge trying to seek my “Great Perhaps”

So I bid you Good Morning or Good Evening whatever the time maybe where you are and remember the world does come to an end.

~lydia